


Tongue-Tied

by uisceB



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Agent Reign, AgentReign, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Pining, Rope Bondage, Shibari, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-05-28 18:04:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15054770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uisceB/pseuds/uisceB
Summary: AgentreignIn the aftermath of Reign's defeat, Sam is still haunted by the fear of losing control of her body and mind. So, she goes to Alex with a very particular request for helping her regain her sense of self-control and Alex, useless as ever, agrees to it.They both get roped into much more than they'd bargained for.





	1. Chapter 1

Alex didn't think she'd ever seen Sam nervous before.

She'd seen her _afraid—_ the MRI when they'd been trying to figure out what was causing those initial blackouts was an experience that would always be seared into Alex's memory. But she'd never seen her _nervous._ It was somehow much more unsettling.

Sam did nervous with a straight back and clenched jaw; the only movement was from her dark eyes which darted around Alex's apartment like they were in search of something. When she was scared, those eyes locked onto Alex; right now, it was like she was looking for an escape.

Alex handed her the glass of scotch she'd asked for then sat herself down on the opposite side of the couch.

Alex did nervous with a bouncing knee and twitchy fingers around her own glass. She didn't know what she'd been thinking when Sam knocked on her door. Somehow, she'd seen the night before as a fluke.

Probably because Sam had more or less kicked her out of her bed earlier that morning, barely even looking at her.

Alex had spent the grand majority of the past several hours trying to bury her feelings of complete humiliation. Reign's recent defeat had clearly just...overwhelmed Sam, and when Alex had shown up at her house last night just to check on her, just to talk with her, Sam had gotten emotional. She'd kissed her, hesitantly at first—then she'd _really_ kissed her, then she'd pulled her into her room, and Alex hadn't even given a passing thought to the idea of "No" or "Maybe we shouldn't do this right now." She'd just fallen into bed with her because what else was she supposed to do when the woman she'd been trying to save for months now, who could make her ache for her just by _looking_ at her, suddenly wanted to push her down, and demand in fierce whispers that she say her name over and over again? And after what had to have been hours of hands and mouths and soft moans uttered against her skin, Alex had fallen asleep beside her with joy bursting in her chest.

Waking up to iciness, to Sam wanting her to leave, giving no explanation, only sitting on the edge of her bed with her naked back turned to her and not more than a single glance in her direction when she gave the order to get out...suffice it to say that Alex's heart might have broken a little bit.

The absolute last thing she'd expected was to have Sam show up on her doorstep almost 12 hours later with a hard clench to her jaw and eyes alternating from being downcast to looking up at her from under dark lashes.

"Can we talk?" were her only words of greeting, and Alex let her in without pause, offering her a drink because god knew she was going to pour _herself_ one.

Sam exhaled now in what was a distinctly steadying way as Alex perched on the opposite side of the couch, then closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier," she said. Her eyes blinked open and they were surprisingly wide, the kind of look that seemed to be less of an every-day apology, and more of a desperate plea for forgiveness despite the levelness of her voice.

"No, it's fine," Alex said with a much-too-defensive edge to her own voice as she looked down at the contents of her glass. "You've been through a lot, I get it. I'd probably..." she gestured vaguely. "I don't know, I guess I'd make some stupid mistakes too if I'd gone through all that."

"I never said you were a stupid mistake."

"Kinda made me feel like it this morning," Alex said, inwardly smacking herself even as the words came out of her mouth. Sam needed compassion, understanding, especially now in this raw, still-tender aftermath of Reign's end. The last thing she needed to deal with right now was the bruised ego of a regretful hookup.

Another steadying exhale. Sam always breathed first, always gathered her thoughts before she started talking so she rarely stuttered or fumbled the way Alex so often did. Her ability to stay composed was enviable, but also...annoying right now. Alex felt too confused to be composed, and she felt like Sam should be the same.

"I know," Sam said, gaze dropping to her lap. "And I really didn't mean to. I really liked being with you last night—"

"Yeah, I liked being with you too," Alex said, too quickly and with too much annoyance. She reeled her frustration in and blew out her breath. "So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that I'm afraid I led you on," Sam told her. "I don't want—I _can't_ be in a relationship right now. I'm not...stable...enough. And I'm worried that's what you want—that that's what you thought was going to happen. I'm worried I..." she gestured between them. "...ruined something."

Well. It _was_ what Alex wanted, and...yeah, maybe for a second there, when she was drifting off to sleep with Sam in her arms, she might have made some dumb assumptions about what they were to each other, what they could be. Fighting monsters and saving the world aside, she did still have some sliver of a fantasy that one day she might be at least slightly more settled, and if she'd ever entertained the idea that Sam might be part of that equation...well she wasn't about to admit that right now.

"I don't want to be in a relationship either if you don't want it," she said, relying on semantics to relieve Sam of her worries. "But...y'know." She swallowed, searching for words. "I still want to be here for you. If you want me. However you want me. Seriously."

Sam exhaled again, this time through pursed lips making the air come out shaky. Either relieved or nervous. Alex wasn't sure.

"I didn't just come over here to apologize," Sam admitted after a moment. "I mean, I did. But I thought you might...if you're...if you're serious about..."

She was fumbling. She was actually fumbling.

"If you're serious about wanting to be here for me," Sam said, finally managing to recover from her fumble, "without a relationship, without sex, just as friends, I have something...god, I don't even know how to go about asking you except just to be completely blunt."

"Okay...?" Alex prompted warily.

"I want you to tell me if you don't want to do this," Sam said, a strange urgency in her voice. "If this is too...weird for you, or uncomfortable, I need you to promise you'll tell me. I meant to say it last night before we...you know..."

"...Before I ripped off your shirt," Alex said, daring to tease her just a little bit. "Sorry about those buttons by the way."

Sam's face relaxed briefly into a smile. "With anyone else, I'd demand they buy me a new one, but that was a $300 shirt, and I don't think you can afford that on a government salary," she said.

"Ouch," Alex laughed. "How 'bout I do whatever this mysterious thing is for you and we'll call it even."

To her surprise, Sam frowned and shook her head adamantly. "No, I don't want to go down that road, that's exactly what I was trying _not_ to do with what we did last night—"

"Sam, I'm kidding," Alex tried to offer lightly, putting her hands up in mock defense.

Things were uncomfortable between them again, and Alex immediately regretted having tried to make a joke to lighten the mood. The first part had worked—she'd gotten the desired smile out of Sam—but then she'd fucked it up somehow, she'd said _something_ that didn't sit well with Sam. She wasn't sure whether she should scoot forward and take her hand or if that'd make things more awkward. She still hadn't quite figured out physical intimacy and when that kind of thing was appropriate, so mostly she erred on careful and didn't touch until touched first.

"Just tell me what you want to tell me," Alex said. "I promise I'll tell you if it's weird. Or whatever."

Sam crossed her legs and clasped her hands around the top knee. She looked like she was gripping onto a lifeline. "I've spent... _months_ not being in control because of Reign," she said, seeming to pick her words very carefully. "I don't remember anything that she did, I didn't _know_ I was ever fighting for control...although subconsciously I think I did. I feel it now, anyway. Sort of...knowing without knowing, if that makes any sense."

Alex nodded, actually pretty sure she _did_ understand that.

"Even without the memories, I feel exhausted," Sam went on. "I feel like part of me was, I don't know, desperately trying to fight her off for months without rest, and it took _every ounce_ of strength I had to drag myself free of her. She had control over my body for so long, part of me still feels...violated." She licked her lips, nervousness almost palpable. "I want control again."

Alex felt her pulse quicken, a sort of light-headedness sparking from back behind her eyes, and wasn't quite sure why that happened. "Oh. Well, so how..."

"There's this thing," Sam interrupted, eyes suddenly very locked onto Alex. Her thumbs tapped nervously at her knee. "An ex of mine wanted to try it when we were together...I didn't really think it sounded like my kind of thing, so we never did it, but...something reminded me of it a couple weeks ago and it's sort of just...been in my head since then. I don't want to say I've been thinking about it _obsessively_ or anything, but..."

She was rambling. Yet another thing Alex had never expected to see her do.

"Sam, it's okay, you can tell me," Alex said, trying to make her eyes as soft as she could, even though Sam's nerves were putting her on edge as well.

"It took me the longest time to remember what the name of it was," Sam said, still stalling. "I spent a while on google trying to figure it out. Eventually I got it though. It's..." One more deep exhale with eyes closed this time. "It's called shibari."

"Okay?" Alex prompted gently, unfamiliar with the word, but keeping her voice level because Sam's discomfort was radiating off her in waves and Alex wanted her to feel safe, even if she wasn't sure how to do it.

"It's basically..." a very firm wave of her hand, "...bondage, in a sense."

"...Oh."

Oh.

Alex felt a hard clench deep in her core and wasn't sure if that was sudden panic, or sudden and completely inappropriately-timed arousal. She was having a little too hard a time processing—was stuck simply on the word itself, no images attached, just the _word_ , outlined, bold and sharp.

"Tell me no," Sam said quickly. "If this is already too much, we can just leave it here, pretend I didn't say anything."

"No, I want you to tell me," Alex said, meaning it. She wanted to be there for every single thing Sam needed. "It's been on your mind...I want to know."

Sam looked at her searchingly for a moment before nodding once and continuing. "I honestly don't even know where to begin processing what happened with Reign," she said. "I'm grateful for the lack of memory, but I still wake up every night terrified that I've somehow lost control again."

"Sam, I promise Reign's gone..." Alex tried to assure her.

"No, I know that," Sam said. "I know that, I really do, but it's so..." she waved her hands frustratedly at her temples, and for a second, it looked like her eyes teared up.

Unthinkingly, Alex sat forward, putting a comforting hand—what she _hoped_ was a comforting hand anyway—on Sam's knee. Sam looked down, seemingly almost surprised by the touch, but dropped her hands, sliding one of them over Alex's, squeezing gratefully.

"I just need to have...some sliver of control," Sam said once she'd gotten herself together.

"And this shib...what's it called?"

"Shibari."

"Shibari. Right. You think that'd, um...that'd make you feel more in control somehow?"

"I don't know if it actually will," Sam admitted. "But...lately, just _thinking_ about it, or imagining it calms me down. Imagining it with _you_ calms me down."

A thousand little pinpricks of heat tingled down Alex's spine, and she tried to wrestle control over the flash of hot red that flooded her face, knowing full well that it was much too late for rescuing any semblance of composure. If anything, she'd probably gone even redder just from the effort of _trying_ to regain composure.

"So," she began, then cleared her throat when the word came out as a sort of croak. "You said it's like bondage so um...what, you'd tie me up or something?"

Sam shook her head. "You'd tie me up," she corrected.

Alex's brain disengaged for a second. Somehow that seemed much...not _scarier,_ but...it seemed like a huge responsibility. Maggie had teasingly handcuffed her to the bed a couple times when they were together, but that was the extent of her experience with that kind of power play. And being on the submissive end of that felt more natural to her. Being in control of that kind of situation?

And speaking of control...

"Isn't that...if you're the one tied up, isn't that sort of the _opposite_ of control for you?" she asked carefully.

Sam's jaw tightened almost imperceptibly and her gaze dropped. "It's what I want," she said, not exactly answering the question. She raised her eyes. "I want you to say no, though, if it's not something you're comfortable with. And you don't have to decide now...I actually have..."

She bent down and grabbed something out of her bag, presenting it to Alex with sort of shaky hands. A book. Alex pretended not to notice the slight tremor in Sam's hands and turned the book around to get a better look at the cover photograph of a woman's naked back laddered with an elegant pattern of rope and the word _Shibari_ in thick black lettering splashed across it.

"I bought it a couple weeks ago," Sam muttered, her hands returning to their clasp around her knee. "Sort of shibari-for-beginners. If you wanted to just leaf through it for a couple days, see if it's anything you'd want to do—and if not, Alex, please tell me. This isn't on you to provide for me. I almost didn't tell you at all, especially after last night. I'm not trying to hold anything over your head, or make you uncomfortable. I'm trying to be as clear as I can...I can't be in a relationship with you. I love hanging out with you, you make me feel so safe...but I can't hold you up. Does that make sense?"

Alex nodded again, this time _not_ totally sure she knew what Sam meant, but not sure how to question it.

"I know you," Sam prattled on. "I know you want to be there for me, but I don't want to be that person who can't give back. All I can do with you is _take,_ and that's not a relationship I'm willing to get into. I don't actually know if I'm capable of _being_ in a normal relationship anymore. But this is something I'd...well if I were to do it, I'd only want to do it with you. I trust you."

Alex kept her eyes on the cover of the book because that was a lot to take in and her mind was already sort of partitioning itself so that she wouldn't have to try to understand it until much later, if at all. Analyzing things for her job was her specialty; analyzing her own thoughts was usually best left alone.

"So it'd be kind of like a friends-with-benefits type thing, only instead of having sex...I'd tie you up?" she asked, sort of trying to joke, but not really.

"Only if you want to," Sam said. "Really. If you say no, that's not an end to anything, I still want to be your friend, there wouldn't be any hard feelings. Maybe some _awkward_ ones, but..."

Alex smiled in spite of herself. "I'll check it out," she said before Sam could work herself up again into a thousand preemptive apologies. She put her hand over Sam's again and squeezed reassuringly. "I'll text you tomorrow after I've looked things over. Okay?"

Sam bit down on her lip with an almost humble nod, and Alex felt something stir in her.

*

Alex didn't remember Sam ever having been so apologetic. Sweet-faced as she was, Sam had always carried an air of authority about her, and Alex had definitely overheard a phone conference or two that featured a very no-time-for-your-bullshit Samantha Arias who could cut the board members of rival companies down piece by tiny little piece with a select handful of words. She was cut-throat and take-no-prisoners in the most professionally savvy way imaginable.

But she didn't seem to have that edge anymore. Reign had broken something in her, and if Alex could have any part in restoring Sam's rightful self, she was more than willing to do whatever it took.

Including tying her up—tying the woman of her dreams up—in order to give her some sense of self-control. Or something. She still hadn't quite worked out Sam's reasoning on that one.

She stayed up nearly all night going through the book Sam had given her. Frankly, the more knots she saw illustrated across the pages, the more knots she felt forming in her stomach. God, this was looking more and more complex the longer she looked at it—and not just the tying of the knots themselves, or some of the suggested beginning patterns; those looked easy enough given a little practice. It was more that...this was looking _intensely_ personal, possibly emotional, or psychological...and honestly (and inconveniently), really sexy.

Images of muscles pulled tight, bodies contorted and strung like instruments to be played and manipulated however the rope top envisioned...it was all Alex could do to quell that burn of arousal at the thought of Sam's long body displayed in such a way. For her.

And of course there was the whole _process_ of tying someone up—of tying _Sam_ up—which could take anywhere from a few minutes to much, much longer, and then how _close_ you had to be...so much of it had to do with intimacy and comfort by means of touch. Because it'd have to be unnerving, she thought, to put your complete trust in someone else like this— _Alex_ definitely didn't think she'd be able to surrender that much control over to someone else. So there needed to be comfort in between each wrap and each knot made. Things were going to get extremely intimate extremely quickly, things would have to be communicated through nothing more than a hitch of breath or the flinch of a muscle, and the idea of being that _tuned_ to a person was almost scary.

At least _one_ thing she could feel confident about was the anatomy at work. She knew where certain amounts of pressure on a body could cause pain or even inflict unwanted damage; if nothing else, Sam would be _safe_ during all this, physically anyway. Alex would know where to avoid.

Or she'd know where to pay particular attention to.

The more she continued to read, the more it became clear that Sam's brief comparison of this whole shibari deal to bondage had been an oversimplification—probably an intentional one, given that Sam had been grasping for words to explain it at the time. While Alex had sort of wondered what exactly the tying-up would be leading up to given that they weren't going to be... _doing_ anything, the tying itself seemed to be the point. It wasn't really a foreplay thing.

It _could_ be.

In an ideal world, it _would_ be for Alex.

But that was a thought that was going to have to stay way, way in the back of her mind. She would focus on the tying itself, the attention to detail, let herself be satisfied with the calculated, methodical process of winding rope around flesh. Sam wasn't coming to her for sex. She wasn't coming to her in search of a relationship, or a future. She was coming to her because she trusted her. And somehow, handing over her power to Alex, and letting her pull and twist and manipulate her however she wanted, was going to give her back her sense of control.

So, the following night, after skimming through the shibari book for what had to be at least the seventh time, she picked up her phone and hovered her thumbs above the screen in thought.

First, she tapped out: _I'd be willing to try this with you._

She wrinkled her nose. That didn't exactly inspire much confidence, or much of a connection. Talk about cold. Delete.

Then she tapped out: _Let's do it!_

Which, delete again, because that was a little too exuberant and wasn't exactly the right tone. She poured herself a drink.

Then she tried several more, quickly-deleted texts, including:

_Looks awesome, I'm in!_

and:

_We should probably talk about it more, but I'd love to try it with you_

and jokingly:

_Are you sure you don't just want to get married instead?_

Edited to:

_Are you sure you don't just want to tie the knot instead?_

Which set off a long string of puns made purely for her own amusement while she stalled at coming up with what to _actually_ send, resulting in:

_I could do Friday if you're not too tied up at work ;)_

That one was supposed to be deleted along with the rest of them, but leave it to her progressively drunker and drunker thumb movements to hit fucking _send_ instead of the friendly little back button.

The pit of her stomach dropped as she realized what she'd done and she gaped at the screen, thumbs twiddling above as if she could somehow reach in there, hook them into the text and reel it back up to her end of the line to never be seen by Sam's eyes. Sam's eyes, which were probably really hoping to see a text that would reassure her that she had been right to put her trust in Alex.

She stared, unable to do more than mouth the words stupidly. _I could do Friday if you're not too tied up at work. Fucking tied up. With a winky face. What the fuck. Of all the ones to have sent, why the fuck..._

Before she could begin to come up with a frantic new apology text to explain that she...hadn't meant that...or something...her phone buzzed in her hands, nearly causing her to drop it. Squinting her eyes and holding the phone as far away from her as she could—as if that could protect her somehow—she read the text Sam had sent in return.

_lol wow, bad puns already. Knot what I was expecting._

Alex felt her face split into a painfully relieved grin at Sam's arguably _much worse_ pun and her shoulders dropped in gratitude. She shifted more comfortably on her haunches at the arrival of a second text:

_I can do Friday. 7ish?_

Alex briefly considered coming up with another pun, but changed her mind at the last minute. One pun was fine, had even eased things between them, opened up a conversation. But now it was time to refocus. This was about Sam rediscovering herself, not Alex and her poorly-timed crush on this painfully gorgeous and haunted woman who could somehow make even worse puns than her.

So she tapped out a simple:

  _I'll see you then_

 And tried to convince herself to go to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The night before Sam was supposed to come over, Alex barely got any sleep. She was in some serious pain, for one thing—what should have been a fairly straight-forward detainment mission went spinning on its ass when a rookie agent accidentally gave away their position to their target and Alex fell victim to what was the equivalent of a mini tornado. It was only thanks to Kara and J'onn that she'd gotten out of it with nothing more than a couple scrapes, bruises, and a grazed shoulder from said rookie agent's blaster when it was thrown from his hands in the storm.

But of course, the main reason she couldn't sleep was due to nerves about what would be happening between her and Sam the following day. Because no matter how many times she said it, over and over and over, that she could put her feelings aside to help Sam through this, she just kept replaying the night they'd been together in her head.

_She wasn't quite sure when Sam had gotten so close. When she'd first arrived at her house that night, when they'd first sat down on Sam's couch, each with a glass of red wine in hand, they'd been on opposite sides, Sam wedged into the left side, Alex scrunched into the right. As the evening wore on, they'd somehow drifted more toward the middle._

_Maybe it was when Sam had gotten up to refill both their glasses. She'd sat more to the left to hand over the glass. Alex had probably shifted toward the right to take it._

_It definitely wasn't when Sam suddenly had tears threatening in her eyes and she had to look up to keep them in. Alex had almost shifted forward at that point, her entire body responding automatically to Sam's subtle signs of despair, wanting to touch, to comfort, to secure. She'd stopped up short before she could actually move closer, though._

_Establishing contact. Why was that still so confusing to her? When was it appropriate? When wasn't it?_

_If Sam—if the woman Alex was in love with—was on the verge of tears as she talked about Reign, was Alex allowed to touch her? Up until this point she'd done...what had she done for Sam? She'd given her an MRI. Taken her blood. Taken Ruby in. Provided several evenings of a listening ear._

_Several evenings. Almost every evening since Reign's defeat. This particular night, Sam had just finally broached the subject of Reign's influence on her in a way that hit closer to home, closer than it had before. Closer—closer physically, to Alex._

_And then the words that Sam said almost every night: "I don't know what I would've done without you."_

_And Alex said, as she always did, "You know I never would've let anything happen to Ruby. I'd do anything for Ruby."_

_For Ruby._

_For Ruby, for Ruby. Her safety net. Every time she jumped through hoops and bent over backwards to be there for Sam's every need, she could claim it was for Ruby. It wasn't because she was in love with Sam, it was because she wanted to be there for Ruby._

_Every night beforehand, that side-step had worked. For some reason, this particular night, Sam didn't seem to believe her. Dark eyes laced with gold held her fast, locked her in; Alex couldn't have broken their gaze if she'd tried._

_"For Ruby," Sam echoed, something strangely hollow in her tone._

_That was the moment Alex realized how close they'd gotten. It was almost whiplash-like, that realization, a split moment of feeling like she'd snapped out of her own body—was only witnessing, not actually part of the scene before her—before being yanked back in so jarringly she could almost feel herself reeling from it. Sam was_ too _close, she realized._

_"Ruby's different around me now," Sam told her, gaze dropping finally. "Not always. Just sometimes. She looks at me...I don't know." She blew out a breath. "Lena won't tell me what Reign was like, what she said, or did. I think she thinks she's protecting me from something. But the way Ruby looks at me sometimes...did I—did Reign—hurt Ruby?"_

_Alex swallowed slowly. "She tried."_

_Sam's chin quivered and she leaned forward with her elbows braced on her knees, one hand covering her eyes. "Shit," she cursed under her breath, a broken sound. Her shoulders tensed and shook, and Alex realized she was crying for real this time._

_"But she didn't manage it, Sam, we kept Ruby safe, I promise. She didn't even touch her..."_

_Hesitantly, she moved to put a comforting hand on Sam's knee, but Sam grabbed her hand before she could and laced their fingers together, pulling her hand under her chin and gripping it tightly between both of hers for a moment._

_Once she'd recovered herself, she looked at Alex, cheeks flushed and stained with tear tracks. "Thank you for telling me," she said, a surprisingly relieved-sounding sigh tumbling from her. "No one else will tell me anything."_

_"Oh. Shit, maybe I shouldn't..."_

_"I'm glad you did," Sam interrupted. "I don't think I have the stomach to learn everything Reign did, but there are certain things I just...I have questions. And I'm glad I have at least one person willing to actually tell me the truth."_

_Alex bit her lip nervously, but still managed a hoarse, "Yeah, always."_

_"If you're alright with it, one of these days I'll probably ask you all of them," Sam said, "but for now, I'm not sure I have the...what does Ruby call them...the hit points to take that all in tonight."_

_"Hit points?" Alex echoed, unable to contain a small grin. She leaned forward confidentially. "No offense, but your daughter's a nerd."_

_Sam's face broke into a full smile, grateful for a second of stupid teasing. "That's funny," she said, wiping at her tear-stained cheeks with one knuckle, "because I don't remember her being that big of a nerd before she started living with you."_

_Alex's grin widened, heart pounding all of a sudden as she realized Sam was still holding her hand in her free hand—not so much desperately anymore, just...holding it._

_Sam's smile was faltering though, her face rearranging into something more serious, bracing. "I hurt you too, didn't I," she said softly._

_Alex gave a somewhat tense nod._

_"You don't look at me differently though."_

_Alex shrugged tightly. "You're not Reign," she said. "You're you. I don't...I don't know how else to look at you."_

_That lock again, lamp light catching those flecks of gold in Sam's eyes. Then all of a sudden Sam's hand was on her cheek, thumb stroking back and forth, and there was nothing Alex could do except melt when Sam leaned forward and kissed her._

_Sam pulled back slowly after a moment, eyes searching hers, waiting for a protest. When none came, she leaned in again, and Alex leaned in to meet her, hand dropping to her thigh with fingers spread wide._

_They kissed heatedly in complete silence, save only for harsh catches of breath. Sam was the first to break the silence, a soft, involuntary moan vibrating from the back of her throat that stoked embers deep in Alex's core. It wasn't long after that that Sam pulled her up the stairs into her room._

_There was a lot Alex should have noticed then. She should have paid more attention. The way Sam practically begged her, "Alex, say my name, please say it..." Alex had been too wrapped up in her own pleasure—too wrapped up in the feeling of being_ wanted _after all this time_ — _to realize why it was so important to Sam to have her call her by her name. Reaffirm that it was her, not Reign. Looking back, it made sense._

_Looking back also, she realized she should have paid attention to Sam as they wound down. She should have taken the time to realize, beyond her own pounding heart and tingling limbs, that there was something stiff, restless about the way Sam turned over to let her wrap her up from behind. Alex had made her come, hard, several times—she knew because each time, Sam had bit hard into her own arm to stifle her cry of release so Ruby wouldn't hear them. The proof was in the deep indent of teeth marks in Sam's skin where Alex soothed herself to sleep by brushing the pad of her thumb back and forth over the divots. But there was something...unsatisfied about Sam. Something had been missing. Something was empty._

Alex sighed now, staring up at her ceiling. Of course all those things were apparent _now,_ when it was too late to do anything, or say anything. She'd been so fucking hopped up on her own sate of ecstasy and runaway sleepy fantasies of the start of a future for the two of them to pay attention to the _reality_ of what Sam was going through in those moments.

God, she'd been such a dumbass. Selfish.

She rolled over and pulled the blankets up over her head, ignoring the fact that, if her clock was right, she needed to be up for work in less than 2 hours.

*

Upon learning three years ago that J'onn could read minds, Alex had asked that he do his best to stay out of hers. He had agreed to an extent, explaining that it actually took a tremendous effort _not_ to hear the thoughts or read the emotions of people around him. His ability to read minds wasn't some rare _gift,_ it was his most natural way of communicating. So:

"I'll do my best, Agent Danvers," was about all he was able to promise her at the time.

The knowledge that "I'll do my best" was really all he was capable of was making Alex's day at the DEO on this particular Friday extremely unnerving. There were no missions she was taking part in; her day was split between teaching a couple basic combat classes to new recruits, and going over presentation notes with J'onn for his upcoming meeting with the President. Needless to say, she was in a very heightened state of anxiety in those several hours sitting beside him, trying desperately to block out every thought that passed through her head.

She didn't do a great job, as evidenced when J'onn said extremely calmly and without taking his eyes off his notes, "So what's going on with the shibari?"

Alex spat out the word _"Nothing!"_ so quickly, and so loudly, she actually hurt her throat and began coughing and wheezing in what had to have been a pretty hilarious display.

J'onn simply watched her patiently until she was able to get a hold of herself.

"Um. Why do you ask?"

"Because every few minutes, the word shibari surfaces in your mind for a split second, and then you immediately start thinking _LALALALALALALALALA_ as loudly as possible," he said. "I'm starting to suspect you're trying to hide something from me."

"You're not supposed to be listening to me at _all!"_ Alex said.

"If someone were to come up to you and start shouting _LALALALALALA_ at the top of their lungs in your ear, you'd be having trouble blocking that out as well," he told her, raising his eyebrows. "Is there something you want to tell me? Did the shibari escape?"

"Did the—" she broke off, stunned.

Oh.

The _Sheparry._

Jesus Christ, he thought she was thinking about the Sheparry _alien prisoner_ that had been giving them so much trouble lately. She sighed in relief and started to reassure him the Sheparry was safely contained, but his face had twisted up into the very picture of mortification.

Fuck.

_One_ second of letting her guard down, and he'd been able to see—probably _literally_ _see_ —the difference between shibari and Sheparry.

They both stared at one another in thickly awkward silence.

After a very long moment, J'onn cleared his throat. "How would you like to go check in on Agent Schott while I finish these notes up alone?" he suggested slowly.

"Great idea!" Alex replied much too quickly and much too exuberantly before practically launching herself out of his office.

*

Alex had been wondering, given the nature of every picture she'd seen of every position and tie she'd researched, if Sam was going to be keeping her clothes on for this or not.

At 7:05 that night, she got her answer.

She knew it was 7:05 because she averted her gaze to the clock when Sam began stripping out of her shirt and pants after a sort of stilted and awkward greeting. That was fine, she thought, trying to will the red in her cheeks away. This was nothing she hadn't seen before. Nothing she hadn't kissed or bitten or run her hands over. Nothing she hadn't spent countless hours dreaming about. Totally fine.

When she finally tore her eyes from the clock and rested them back on Sam, she was grateful to find that while the bra, shirt, socks and pants had made a disappearance, Sam's underwear stayed on. That was probably for the best.

Didn't stop her from being anything less than the most tempting thing Alex had ever seen. Even though Reign had been a genetically engineered parasite in Sam, Sam still seemed to have that Kryptonian physical perfection. Much slenderer than Kara, but still toned, sun-kissed, long neck and jawline put on perfect display with her hair pulled up in a messy bun.

"So, uh," Alex said, clearing her throat when she realized she was staring. She picked up the shibari book from off the couch and flipped through it demonstratively. "There's a lot in here. Like a lot of...knots and...positions...and things."

Sam raised her eyebrows, prompting her to make her point.

"It's...I mean, what do you want me to do?" Alex asked. "What are you comfortable with? Or not? Maybe—yeah, let's start with what you're _not_ comfortable with. Your...not-knots."

Sam's face broke into that wide smile she got when she was surprised by something, and she gave that sort of snort of a laugh that made Alex's heart explode into fireworks. It was fucking frustrating how _amazing_ it felt anytime she was able to get Sam to smile or laugh like that.

"I don't know," Sam answered, shrugging once the laugh subsided. "I've never done this before either, Alex. You're the rope top, you tell me what to do. Unless topping isn't your strong point," she added with a sly grin.

"I _am_ a top," Alex grumbled, tossing the book back down on the couch, and pulling the first of three coils of rope out of the bag Sam had brought.

Sam gave her a playfully doubtful look. "Could've fooled me."

"Yeah, well...watch me top the hell out of this...rope," Alex said stubbornly, fiddling with the coil to get it undone. She could see Sam continuing to grin at her out of the corner of her eye, could actually feel it, and didn't know what to think about that. Not that Alex was any real expert, but it seemed liked flirting. Even though Sam had said she didn't want anything like a relationship.

To be fair, they were both in uncharted territory at the moment, so maybe some little bit of humor was what they needed to get themselves through the awkwardness. Alex just really wished Sam's humor didn't come in the form of flirting. It kind of hurt.

It _really_ kind of hurt.

Aaaaaand Alex was making things about herself again. She inwardly shook herself. Hurt feelings were pretty much peanuts compared to what Sam was going through. She needed to remember that. Stop taking things personally.

She finally got the rope undone and folded it in half, pinching the bight between her fingers. She lifted her gaze and saw that Sam's expression had settled into something deeply focused, eyes practically glued to the rope in Alex's hands.

"What if we start simple for this first time?" Alex suggested quietly.

Sam nodded.

"Hold out your hands?" Alex said, meaning for it to come out more confident instead of the sort of weak-sounding question she'd just uttered. She cleared her throat. "Wrists facing each other."

Sam obeyed, holding out both hands with the insides of her wrists pressed together.

Alex's breath caught. She was no stranger to restraining people. Most of them were alien criminals, but still. She'd handcuffed many. Most were a struggle, but at least a few times there was a proudly defeated one who would actually offer their wrists up for her to cuff.

Never like this, though. And never with rope. She felt completely stripped down, almost as stripped down as Sam _actually_ was. Nothing had even happened yet, but all of a sudden everything seemed a little too raw. She wasn't detaining a criminal. Somehow, in a way she still had yet to figure out, she was healing a friend. A friend who was at her most fragile but was coming to her with absolute trust.

God, what if she fucked up? Destroyed that trust? Hurt her even more?

"Your hands are shaking," Sam observed quietly.

Alex shook her free one out defiantly. She had the steadiest hand at the DEO—was the most consistent shot, and the most dependable emergency field medic when they didn't have the more specialized medical staff immediately available. She had surgeon's hands. Always had.

Sam was right, though. They were shaking.

"It's kinda cold in here," she mumbled, a stupid and completely unbelievable lie.

She lifted her hands and began wrapping Sam's wrists, just above the bone. She heard Sam's breath hitch just the slightest bit, alerting her to the fact that Sam was equally nervous about this, if not more so. The sound was actually sort of grounding. Alex felt more in control of herself, letting her fingers work the rope under and around, slipping the bight under the double layer of wraps and tying it off securely. There was something kind of...what was the word she was looking for? Not _soothing._ But she liked the way that felt. It narrowed her motions down, let her focus on one very specific task instead of worrying about the bigger picture of what was happening. Three wraps around Sam's wrist and Alex suddenly really did feel in control.

She could hear the sharpness of Sam's breath, though, the way it moved abnormally harshly through her nose, like she was trying very hard to be quiet, but wasn't managing it well. Alex looked up, noting that she could actually see the pulse in Sam's throat, and the hard clench in her jaw.

"You okay?" Alex asked softly, continuing to wrap a second time just slightly higher, but taking a second to let her thumbs brush soothingly against Sam's skin.

Sam nodded, a quick, somewhat less-than-convincing smile flashing across her face. "Yeah, sorry," she said awkwardly. "Just realized I've never really been tied up in any way before. I didn't realize how...scary it was going to be."

Alex paused. "Scary?" she asked. "Do you want to stop?"

Sam shook her head. "No, I'm just surprised, I guess. I didn't think it was going to be all that intense until we started in on the bigger stuff."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, it all sounds simple enough until you're in it," she said. "I've gotten myself in a couple binds on the job, so to speak," she added, getting a small smile. "Also in basic training. We were put through some exercises where we had to be bound up and figure out a way to get ourselves out of it. The whole thing was completely monitored and safe, but that first time was really..." She nodded again. "If you're used to being in complete control of your body, even something simple like having your hands tied up can be kind of nerve-racking."

"Yeah, you can say that again."

"But Sam, seriously, we can stop if you want..."

"No, we can't."

Alex frowned, looking back up at her to find Sam's gaze focused on the ties at her wrists. That was a weird way of phrasing her desire to continue. Alex knew better than to argue, though, just brushed her thumbs over Sam's arms again and finished the second knot, tugging it sharply to tighten it.

Then she lifted Sam's hands back over her head, circling around her so she could pull her wrists down toward the base of her skull, forcing her elbows to butterfly out. She continued to pull down until Sam inhaled sharply, indicating some discomfort. Alex leaned forward close to her ear. "Is that too tight?" she asked.

She felt Sam's shoulders tense noticeably, but Sam shook her head. "You can go a little tighter."

Okay, so...pain seemed to be part of this. Alex obediently pulled Sam's hands just a little bit farther until she heard Sam take a much deeper breath, a clear indication of being pushed to her limit, so Alex stopped there. Unthinkingly, she ran her hand soothingly up and down Sam's spine before remembering she wasn't supposed to do that.

Unless maybe she was? That was part of the whole shibari thing too, right alongside all those knots. There was still supposed to be comfort.

So she allowed herself a couple moments to trail her free hand back up Sam's spine to the base of her neck, sliding her fingers around the nape and rubbing gently until Sam's breath slowed again.

When it looked like she was ready, Alex wrapped the running end of the rope around her torso twice, just under her breasts. It wasn't exactly helpful that in order to do so, she had to wrap her free arm around her completely, pressing in almost flush to her back. It was way too difficult to keep herself from pressing in that extra inch and dropping her head to Sam's shoulder and kissing her neck.

Of course, she didn't. She focused. If she just tried hard enough, she could make this whole thing completely clinical. Sam could be just a body, any body, that she just happened to be healing by binding. Just focus.

She ran her index and middle finger under the wraps around Sam's torso to make sure they weren't too tight, then tied them off in the back so that Sam's arms were stuck in their butterfly position behind her head.

She let her hand drop to Sam's waist, keeping it there as she circled around to her front. She wanted to ask Sam if she was doing this right, if this was what she wanted, but Sam's eyes were closed, brow slightly furrowed, breath deliberate and slow. She seemed to be in a world of her own right now, maybe somewhere she needed to be in order to deal with her thoughts about Reign, so Alex stayed silent.

Keeping one hand in contact with Sam's skin at all times, Alex leaned down and got the second coil of rope. She realized she wasn't going to be able to undo it with one hand, but she wanted to stay in some kind of contact with Sam, especially since Sam had her eyes closed, just so she'd know Alex hadn't left her.

So she stepped in again, just slightly, so that her leg was touching Sam's. She undid the rope slowly, but louder than necessary, closer to Sam's ears so she could hear it, how close she was, how safe she was. She saw goosebumps ripple across Sam's arms as she finally pulled the rope loose with a snap. She swayed a little.

Alex looked her over, trying to decide what she wanted to tie next. Having flipped through that book and scrolled through multiple sites, she'd memorized several favorite patterns and positions she wanted to try at some point. Many of the upper-body harnesses would require her to anchor the rope by winding it between Sam's legs, though, and she wasn't sure if that might be pushing some boundaries that shouldn't be pushed just now. Just for her own sake, she was trying to figure out what was an appropriate way to touch Sam, given that so many of those patterns were sort of innately sexual.

Simple chest harness for this first time, then. That seemed like her safest course of action.

She positioned herself fully in front of Sam, pausing when she noticed a strand of hair that had fallen across her face. Unthinkingly, she tucked it behind Sam's ear, and Sam opened her eyes, face unreadable.

"Um. Sorry," Alex said, dropping her hand from Sam's ear. "You just had a..."

"It's okay," Sam said with a strained, but genuine smile. "It was tickling my cheek, kind of driving me a little crazy. Thanks."

Alex huffed out a laugh. "Any other discomforts I can help you out with while I'm here?" she asked.

Sam licked her lips, gaze dropping for a split second. It would be way too easy for Alex to lean in and kiss her like this. But then Sam shook her head with a "No, I'm good for now," and Alex smiled at her again like that hadn't hurt at all.

She folded the new rope in half, pinching the bight between her fingers, and started to loop it behind Sam's neck. It was a little jarring, remembering that she actually had put something around Sam's neck like this before—well, not _Sam's,_ but Reign's. Dropping heavy chains with the biggest chunk of Kryptonite she'd ever seen over Reign's head had been sort of disturbing to her even then.

Deciding to change the feeling of things, she slid the bight back behind Sam's neck, pulling, keeping contact the whole time so the rope _dragged_ across the back of Sam's neck. She saw the small hairs at the back of Sam's neck raise, another swath of goosebumps rippling upward at the feeling of the rope sliding over her skin.

She dared to look up and found Sam looking very intently back at her. Having Sam's hands bound behind her head, and this rope around her neck that Alex could tug on _just enough_ that Sam really wouldn't have any choice _but_ to kiss her was kind of messing with Alex's mind. So she crossed the ends of the rope over Sam's chest as planned, then moved back behind her so she wouldn't have to work under that penetrating gaze.

It was a little easier to focus back here. Kind of. She was still being tortured with the sight of Sam's muscles pulled tight, and the way, even pulled at that angle, Sam's shoulders seemed so bite-able, and the curve of her spine seemed so stroke-able, and the feeling of the warm goldish-brown of her skin was just...fucking addictive—but it was better than being in front of her. Better than being tempted to look up every five seconds to see if Sam's eyes were closed, or if they were watching her, or if her mouth was still close enough to be able to kiss.

No, it was much better being back here. She was able to find a rhythm, occasionally winding the rope around Sam's front, but always returning to the safe space behind her, tying artful diamond shapes down her back. She let her fingers take control, getting lost in the rhythm of rope wound under and over, every few laces taking just a second to rub Sam's shoulder or neck or spine, just to reaffirm connection, reassure her, help her breathe past tightness, past pain if there was any.

She got so comfortable in this settled space the two of them had created, she almost jolted when Sam suddenly spoke.

First, it was just: "Alex."

It was barely more than a whisper, but Alex was already so drawn into her, that she swayed forward without a thought, forehead bumping against Sam's shoulder.

But that wasn't the end of what Sam was saying. It wasn't just "Alex," it was "Stop. Alex, stop."

Alex lifted her head, surprised by the sudden panicked tensing of Sam's body.

"Okay," she said soothingly. "Okay, we can stop."

"No, now, Alex, I need it to stop _now,"_ Sam said, voice pitching higher, suddenly frantic.

"Okay," Alex said quickly, trying to keep her voice level to ease Sam's sudden panic. "Alright, I'm gonna undo your hands first, okay?"

Sam nodded, a sort of jerking motion, and Alex worked the knots at her upper back and wrists with nimble fingers, freeing her hands within a matter of moments. Sam let her hands drop from behind her head, breath immediately slowing a little, though still seeming shaky.

"Almost done," Alex murmured, undoing the ties at the back. She suddenly hated all those diamond knots going down her back. She'd been so proud of them just seconds before, but it was taking too long to get them undone. They were hurting Sam. Maybe she should just grab the scissors and get it over with quicker.

But by the time she'd come to that conclusion she was down to the last three which she was able to loosen fairly quickly, pulling at the rope and letting it fall limp to the ground. She circled around to Sam's front, gripping her shoulder with one hand, and cupping her face with the other. Sam's eyes were squeezed shut and she was taking very controlled breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth.

"You okay?" Alex asked urgently, stroking her thumb across her cheek.

Sam nodded, keeping her eyes closed. "You stopped," she breathed.

"Yeah, of course I stopped," Alex said, confused. "Are you—did I hurt you?"

"No, Alex, you were perfect," Sam sighed, and all of a sudden Alex was being wrapped up in a tight hug. "Perfect."

"I'm—" Alex honestly had no idea what was going on. It took her a second to even make enough sense of things to remember that when someone hugged you, you were supposed to hug them as well. So she wrapped her arms around Sam, rubbing her back as Sam sighed—almost _contentedly_ —into the crook of her neck. Between that sigh and the deep rope marks Alex's hands were wandering over, Alex was torn between a strange sort of arousal, bewilderment, and concern, and had no idea which to act on, or even _how_ she would act on any of them.

She felt her face flush bright red as Sam turned her head and pressed her lips to her cheek, bewilderment spiking even higher. Sam drew away, opening her eyes slowly. They were sort of hazy, like she was just waking up from a very deep sleep, or coming down from some incredible high. She looked...well, she looked satisfied. Satisfied in the way that she hadn't quite reached when they'd had sex. There was a warmth to her face. She was still shaking slightly though.

"Thank you," she said, sounding suddenly completely exhausted.

Was Alex supposed to say _you're welcome?_ That didn't feel right.

"Yeah, of course," she said instead, still feeling like she was treading in a fucking ocean of confusion. In an effort to seem somewhat competent, she took Sam's hands, pretending to examine the rope marks around her wrists, despite the fact that she knew there wasn't any damage beyond that mild pressure they'd been under.

"You're kinda shaking a little," she said. "Um, do you wanna sit for a second?"

Sam nodded and let Alex guide her over to the couch, practically melting into the cushions.

"I'll get your clothes," Alex murmured. 

Sam took Alex's hand, though, stopping her. "Just sit with me for a sec," she requested. 

Alex nodded and sat beside her, pulling a blanket over both of them. She tried not to flinch when Sam automatically draped her arm over her waist and snuggled into her. She felt completely out of her depth here, not understanding Sam's abrupt switch from panic to this sudden calm that bordered on euphoria.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked again, putting her arms around her, and rubbing at her shoulders a little bit where Sam was likely to feel incredibly sore from being tied over her head for so long.

Sam nodded, nuzzling closer. "You stopped," she murmured sleepily.

*

It didn't click until later. Later, after they'd said goodbye and Sam had asked that they do this again. Later, when Alex was puzzling over every second of their encounter over a glass of whiskey.

_You stopped._

That's what it was.

Sam had come to her in search of control—not control over someone else, specifically control over herself, that's what she'd said. Her reasoning had seemed so odd to Alex at first—if she was looking for control, why would she ask Alex to be the one to dictate everything they did? It seemed counterintuitive.

Looking back now, it made sense. Somewhere way deep in her subconscious, Sam was _always_ fighting Reign for control. _Always._ And in the past few months, she had lost. Countless times.

It hadn't made sense to Alex at first. Why would Sam _want_ to surrender control to Alex? Wouldn't she want the opposite?

She swirled her index finger around the rim of her glass.

Now it seemed so obvious, she couldn't believe she'd missed it before. Sam may have surrendered control to Alex for a time, but it was on her own terms. The submissive always had more power than the dominant. Always. She surrendered, but when it went too far, when she felt herself slipping too much, she could fight back. And win this time. Because Alex would always give her back her power.

In the end, it all boiled down to one very simple thing: Sam just wanted to be able to say _stop._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This miiiiight be getting just a lil bit longer than originally planned. Just a little.


	3. Chapter 3

Hearing the word _stop_ from the person you were pathetically in love with was not something most people would find comfort in. In most situations, _stop_ meant something was wrong, something hurt, something was scary, something needed to end as quickly as possible.

But every time Alex and Sam got together after that first time for this whole shibari thing, Alex found she couldn't wait to hear the word _stop._ She couldn't wait to feel the word tumble breathlessly from Sam's mouth, the sound of it a sort of alarming teeter between desperation and relief.

Because that word _stop..._ in these moments, it meant so purely _I trust you._ _I trust you to help me face my fears. I trust you to bring me back. I trust you with everything I am._

Against her better judgment, Alex loved it. It was fucking killing her, but god did she ever love it.

She'd never had any particularly intense feelings about restraint. She could count on one hand the number of times she and Maggie had played around with restraints just for the fun of it, but it had never held any particular allure for her. She didn't crave it.

God, did she ever crave _this,_ though. Sam baring herself to her over and over, allowing her to take complete control. With each week, she learned more about Sam, learned how to draw goosebumps, or how to draw beads of sweat, gasps of breath.

Pain seemed to be important. Alex didn't know if that helped Sam focus on whatever she was thinking about or reliving, or...something else. Either way, Alex sort of thrilled at it. She could pull and push and tighten and bend her however she wanted. She could push her to her limits of flexibility. She could tie her standing, or bind her to a chair, or kneeling on the floor. She could blindfold her. She could be gentle, then abruptly tug a limb into a new position, sometimes causing Sam to utter small sounds of surprise. She could read those sounds. Knew when she was close to that command of _stop._ Grew breathless at the thought.

They could go anywhere from ten minutes to over an hour. Completely silent. Just breath and pounding pulses.

Alex often found herself sweating, and not from nerves anymore. It was emotionally draining enough that she felt it physically. All of her movements would start to feel heavy. She'd feel dazed, breathless, exhausted, like she'd just spent hours in heavy combat.

Yeah, that was it. That's what it felt like. It felt like she was fighting a war. Reign was gone, but her memory was still so _real,_ so _present._ With every knot and every tight loop made around Sam's body, Alex felt like she was chipping away at Reign just a little bit more, piece by piece. Somehow, Alex was Sam's soldier, her champion.

She found herself training harder at the DEO, even on her days off. Reign was gone, there was nothing physical to fight, but Alex still felt the inexplicable need to be at her strongest, at her very best. She felt like she needed to turn her entire body into a weapon to keep Reign's ghost at bay. To keep Sam safe.

It didn't hurt—or maybe it _did_ hurt—that Sam noticed. That Sam ran her hands over Alex's arms one night, arms that were more defined now than they'd ever been.

"Wow, did you get these just from tying a couple extra knots?" Sam teased, giving her tank-top-bared biceps a small squeeze.

Alex grinned, elation mixing with that frustrating confusion as it always did whenever Sam teased her.

"Nah, I've just been hitting the gym more than usual," she said, trying not to flinch out of Sam's lingering touch.

_Hitting the gym a bit more than usual._ That, and doubling her hours of combat training. It was the only way she knew how to deal with this. Reign hadn't really been defeated yet if her memory still haunted Sam this deeply. Alex had to train harder, get stronger, faster—Christ, she'd even tried _meditating_ for a hot minute to try to sharpen her senses or whatever before getting restless and giving up. The need to mold herself into the perfect soldier had never felt so dire to her before.

And for what? There was nothing to fight. It was just her, and Sam, and a couple coils of rope in an empty room.

But if she wasn't focusing on fighting, she felt guilty. She felt guilty because if she wasn't fighting, then she was falling, getting lost in fantasies because it was impossible _not_ to when she was that fucking intimate with Sam.

Sometimes she let herself think—just for a second—what might happen if she ignored what Sam had said. If she had never heard the words _I don't want a relationship with you, with anyone, I don't even know if I'm capable of being in a normal relationship anymore_...if things were allowed to just play out the way they should...what would she do?

God, what _wouldn't_ she do?

These moments of complete control...Alex wanted to shove her back up against the wall. Or press up behind her and tug her head back by her hair so she could lick up the side of her exposed neck. She wanted to push her down and fucking pound into her, wanted to wait to hear the word _stop_ , but hear _more_ instead. She wanted Sam to tell her _more_ and _keep going_ and _don't stop, don't ever stop._ She wanted to feel her come, clenching hard and wet around her fingers.

Alex had never been one to have much interest in power play, but there were these quick-flash moments when she wanted to completely fucking dominate Sam. Pin her down, close her fingers around her throat and fuck into her as hard as she could. Or as gently as she could. Make her beg. Make her dig her nails into her back and claw her open. Make her regret having wasted so much time keeping her away. For the first time in her life, Alex wanted complete and total control over another person's body, wanted to prove how well she knew it, how perfectly she could read it, how easily she could make it tremble.

But, of course, every fantasy evaporated at the word _stop._ When Sam would curl up on her couch after Alex had untied her, looking sated, soft, but also somehow stronger. Those moments were always more dangerous because fantasy had given way to reality—what she was seeing was Sam, exhausted after one more battle with Reign's memory. There was nothing sexy about it, Alex didn't feel turned on—she just felt like she wanted to wrap her up in her arms and never let go. All that frustration vanished and she just wanted to take care of her.

And that shit hurt. Especially when Sam would snuggle into her and fall asleep, all that trust just reminding Alex that she'd never actually had any power after all, Sam was always the one in control.

Fuck. Sometimes Alex wanted to be the one to say stop.

*

Alex almost walked right smack into Kara on her way out the door to get an evening workout in. Actually, she _did_ walk right smack into her, just kind of bounced off of her because walking into a Kryptonian was a lot like walking into a wall. 

"Ow—fuck," she grumbled, rubbing her shoulder. She blinked up in surprise, finally registering that that was her sister she'd just walked into, dressed to the absolute nines in a dark blue dress with her hair pulled up in an elegant twisty bun thing.

"Wow, what's the occasion?" she asked.

Kara gave her a sort of incredulous look. "Um, the CatCo fundraiser for that hospital Lena's been trying to fix up?" she said. "You know, the one you promised you'd be my plus-one for like a month ago?"

Shit.

"Oh. I'm actually kinda on my way to a knife training seminar at the DEO right now..."

Kara rolled her eyes. "Rao, you're always _training_ lately," she griped. "And being all angsty and weird. No, you promised you'd go with me, you're going with me. I don't want to have to hang out alone in a room full of billionaires, just like, stuffing my face full of shrimp."

"You love shrimp. Besides, you wouldn't be alone. Lena's gonna be there, and probably James..."

"Lena and James are gonna be busy trying to schmooze billionaires out of their money to give to a good cause," Kara said. "Lena says that's basically like pulling teeth. You know what billionaires are like, you let Max Lord wine and dine you once."

"Don't remind me," Alex grumbled, wincing.

"Yeah, see, that face you're making right now? That super pained grimace? That's gonna be me all night if you don't come with me. Do you _really_ want to subject your favorite sister in the whole universe to that kind of torture?"

Alex raised her eyebrows and Kara blew out an exasperated breath.

"Come ooooonnnn," she whined, trying one last tactic. "Lena has these bottles of wine that cost like, I don't know, your entire monthly rent. You'll be in Alex heaven. Besides, you need a night to let loose. You've been so withdrawn and grumpy the last few weeks."

Alex pursed her lips. "I guess a couple hours wouldn't _kill_ me," she mused.

"That's the spirit!" Kara said, giving her a jovial—but fortunately _gentle—_ clap on the shoulder. "Now go get dressed. This is a no-knife event."

Alex rolled her eyes, but went back to her room and dutifully pulled out a black dress to wear.

*

She guessed she shouldn't have been surprised that Kara was completely wrong about Lena—the second the CEO saw her, she abandoned her schmoozing, took Kara's arm, and dragged her away to do...friend things. Or whatever.

Honestly, it was probably for the best, because that left all the schmoozing to James. James had the easy-going temper and smile to appeal to people; Lena Luthor could be kind of intense.

It did, however, leave Alex completely alone.

Alone, save for that bottle of whiskey which, as opposed to the wine Kara had mentioned that cost her monthly rent, cost almost an entire _year's_ rent.

_Thank you, Lena Luthor._

Alex poured herself a very generous glass and made her way out to the massive balcony overlooking a garden that went on for a solid two acres. Stuffy as the event was, at least the venue was nice. She rested her elbows on the railing and tried to eyeball the right path through the full-fledged hedge maze that was way out past a row of rose bushes.

"Hey, stranger," came a voice behind her.

She turned toward the sound, and just about dropped her drink.

"Sam!" she exclaimed.

More specifically, Sam looking like the most sinful angel the world had ever seen in a form-fitting off-the-shoulder dress, her waves of brown and gold hair twisted to one side to expose her neck. She was also wearing strategically-placed bracelets and a choker where Alex was well aware there would be tell-tale signs of lingering rope marks from the night before.

The neck one was kind of...well, everything Alex had read had urged people to be incredibly careful if they were going to be working around the neck, but Sam had actually specifically requested it. A couple times now. A couple times, with the order of _tighter_ each time. Somewhat worrying but also insanely, frustratingly hot.

"I didn't know you were gonna be here," Alex said stupidly.

"Wasn't planning on it," Sam said, leaning her hip against the railing. "But Ruby's out with a friend tonight, and I figured, who am I to pass up a bunch of free, normally ridiculously expensive booze?"

"Expensive is right," Alex huffed, holding up her glass. "Over ten thousand dollars."

"Oh, that's nothing," Sam said. "Lena's got a bottle of scotch back at her office that's over half a million."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. And that's just like...pocket change to these people," Sam said. She held up her own glass. "I, for one, am sticking with the paltry three-thousand-dollar champagne for the evening."

Alex laughed. "Well. Cheers," she said, and they clinked glasses. Alex's ears burned a little when Sam held her gaze as they drank.

"So?" Sam asked after they'd both lowered their glasses.

"So?" Alex echoed.

Sam nodded at Alex's glass. "Is it worth the ten thousand dollars?"

Alex swirled the remaining contents of her glass and shrugged. "Eh, I wouldn't have paid a cent over nine thousand to be honest," she said.

Sam laughed, her entire face lighting up. "I've missed you," she said fondly, reflexively, seeming almost to speak without even thinking. Maybe she had, because she immediately froze, quickly adding, "I mean I haven't _missed_ you, we...I mean we see each other a couple times a week for the..." she gestured vaguely all over her body. "I just mean I miss having you over to watch movies or just have a drink or talk or whatever." Her voice was too soft. "I mean, Ruby misses you."

Alex swallowed. "Yeah." She cleared her throat. "No, yeah, I miss her too. I, um. Sorry. I guess...I don't really know how to act. Around you. Y'know, when we're not..."

"It's okay," Sam said quickly. "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just realized I haven't really... _seen you_...in a long time. I miss just...hanging out with you."

"Yeah." Alex looked out toward the hedge maze. "Well, we could hang out here. That maze looks like it could be fun..."

The second the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them as Sam's gaze fell on said maze, her jaw clenching subtly.

"I'm not sure dark twisty forest-type areas are really my happy place at the moment," Sam said with not-quite convincing lightness.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut in embarrassment and shook her head. "Yeah, the second I said it..." she began. She shook her head again, peeking her eyes open. "That was really dumb, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Alex," Sam assured her, resting a hand on her arm. "Um. There's a kind of questionable Bing Crosby cover band playing inside if you want to dance instead?"

"Uh..."

_No._

"...I'm pretty sure I'm not drunk enough for that," she settled on.

"Well then," Sam said decidedly, before tipping head back and sucking down the rest of her champagne in one go. "Guess we better get you another drink!"

Alex lifted an eyebrow, and Sam tugged on her arm.

"Come on, drink up," she urged. "Or are you worried you can't keep up with me?"

Alex scoffed. "You are in for the surprise of your life if you think you can out-drink me," she said. "Seriously, you'll be hungover for _days."_

"Really?" Sam laughed. "You're that bad?"

"I am a highly-disciplined former college party girl," Alex informed her. "Trust me, I'm a pro at this."

"Well, put your money where your mouth is, come on," Sam taunted. "Show me Party Girl Alex."

It was a bad idea, but...Alex obediently downed the rest of her drink in one long pull, deciding not to mention that Party Girl Alex was the most dysfunctional fuck-up on the face of the planet—and not in an endearing way. Party Girl Alex had been lost in just about every facet of her life, and drunken, hollow hook-ups with men she had no interest in were a pretty frequent occurrence.

Party Girl Alex would have ogled Sam all night though, not knowing why, probably thinking she was envious of her in some way, not recognizing that what she really wanted was to run her fingers through her hair, and dance with her all night and kiss her in the back of the club.

_Reformed_ Party Girl Alex, who was well aware of her feelings, was afraid she'd drink too much tonight and end up trying to do exactly that, especially since ten-thousand-dollar whiskey went down much easier than it should.

She'd take it slow, then. Maybe Sam would forget about dancing, or maybe she'd get a call from Ruby or something, saying she needed to be picked up for some reason. Alex really wanted to dance with Sam, which just meant she really, really _didn't_ want to dance with Sam. Shibari as mystery therapy was one thing; slow-dancing to Fake Bing Crosby was very different.

Nevertheless, she allowed Sam to drag her back over to the liquor table, pouring another extremely generous glass of whiskey for herself.

"Alright. Party Girl Alex?" she asked.

"Party Girl Alex," Sam confirmed.

So Alex tilted her head all the way back, slamming the glass back like it was a shot—or intending to, but she nearly choked when she heard Sam mock-cheering, "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

Alex sputtered out a laugh, not able to help it, giving her an incredulous grin. "You don't _chug_ a shot, nerd," she laughed. "Save that for the million-dollar kegs Lena must have stashed around here somewhere."

"Wow, sorry I'm not as hip as you with the terminology—I was raising a five-year-old while you were getting your frat party on," Sam laughed.

"Oh that. Well, tonight you are Party Girl Alex's guest, so no more fancy wine. It's go big or go home."

"Alright," Sam said challengingly. She looked over the spread and homed in on the tequila. "This," she said, holding it up, "got Teenage Sam into a lot of trouble back in the day. Also...Adult Sam. When I first met Lena."

"Ooh, sounds promising."

"Acceptable for Party Girl Alex?" Sam asked, pouring herself a shot.

"Yep. Well, Party Girl Alex probably would've done a body shot, but..." She felt her ears burn again as the words came out, because that was a bad bad bad bad bad bad thing to think about when it came to Sam.

Sam honestly just looked surprised. "Really?" she asked.

"Yeah, really. What's the tone of surprise?"

"I guess I just never thought of you as that much of a wild child," Sam admitted. "Even if you were more of a partier, I wouldn't've pegged you for the body shot type. You just seem kind of..."

"...Kind of...?"

"Well don't take this the wrong way, but...a little...tightly-wound? I guess?"

"Okay, in my defense? These days, my job involves, you know, saving the world every week or so, so my life depends on a little tightly-wound behavior. Besides, as far as _tightly-wound_ goes..."

"No," Sam interrupted with a completely ridiculous giggle, putting a finger to Alex's lips to shush her. "No, you're not about to make a pun about me being 'tightly-wound' when you tie me up during our shibari nights."

Alex ducked her head out of Sam's hold with a cheeky grin—quickly, because she'd had the most overpowering desire to suck Sam's finger into her mouth and she needed to make sure that didn't happen.

"It's like you read my mind," she teased, hating how _easy_ it was to just...hang out with Sam. Sam was right, it really had been a long time since they'd done the more _friend_ -related parts of their friendship, and Alex had almost thought...well, she'd almost convinced herself that she could handle the hours of shibari because she could limit them in her head to plain old fantasy, nothing more.

But of course, Sam as herself was just as captivating as ever. Just as fun to be around. Still made Alex feel warm and giddy and like she couldn't stop smiling every time Sam looked at her.

"Yeah, well you're not as hard to read as you think you are," Sam said, bumping her hip with her own. "Especially when it comes to bad puns."

"Okay, you're right, that one was a bit of a stretch."

"No, a _stretch_ was when you tried to pull my ankle up to my shoulder," Sam said.

"Hey, you did it," Alex said. "And it looked really h—really cool. You're bendier than I thought you'd be."

"I turned to the dark side when I first moved here—suburban mom yoga lifestyle," she admitted. "Actually...yogalates."

"'Yogalates'?"

"Yoga and pilates," Sam clarified and Alex laughed. "My instructor's name is Rayyne. With two Y's. She makes gluten-free vegan scones and actually enjoys them."

"Gotcha. Well, to her credit, you're, like I said, y'know...bendy," Alex said. "Strong, too."

"Well who's to say that's not my Kryptonian genetics kicking in," Sam muttered a little darkly. "Then again, I guess Lena sucked those all out of me."

Alex cocked her head, surprised at her tone. "Do you wish she hadn't?" she asked.

Sam gave her a sort of unreadable look, then glanced over her shoulder before tucking the bottle of tequila under her arm. "Want to go up to the rooftop and get plastered?" she suggested, rather than answering.

Something told Alex that wasn't a great idea, but when Sam took her arm and began leading her toward the stairs anyway, well...she couldn't quite find it in her to say no.

*

The rooftop was surprisingly deserted and unfurnished. For some reason, Alex had just assumed that there'd be a pool and marble sculptures and a fountain or something up here given the way the rest of the venue was decked out, but it really was just...a rooftop.

That was kind of alright though, she decided, as she and Sam sat on the ground, leaning against the wall of the stair exit, shoulders pressing against each other. They could still hear the Bing Crosby cover band playing from down below—they'd moved on to playing some more modern pop hits, just altered to get a Bing Crosby flavor in there.

Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it really didn't.

At least it gave them something to laugh about as they settled into second, third, fourth, and fifth glasses of four-thousand-dollar tequila. Still, Alex paid careful attention to Sam's behavior, waiting for the first hints of a glaze to come over her eyes, the first hints of drunk sleepiness. She was curious, she couldn't help it.

"You didn't answer me downstairs," she said, pouring a sixth glass for both of them.

Sam raised a curious eyebrow as she lifted the glass to her mouth.

"Do you wish Lena hadn't done...whatever she did to get rid of your Kryptonian genetics?" Alex clarified.

"Oh. _That,"_ Sam said, taking a good swallow of her drink. She blinked heavily. "Honestly? Immediately after, that's exactly what I wanted. Wanted every trace of Reign gone. Out."

She took another sip, looking up at the sky. "But sometimes," she went on, "seeing the news, seeing what new monster Supergirl just defeated and saved the city from...sometimes I feel like I want to be able to do that. Because I _could._ When I had my powers, when I fought Reign..." She blew out a breath of air. "That was really something. I felt unstoppable. And I felt...excited kind of? I've never felt particularly strong, y'know, just in general. But that was...that was pretty amazing."

She shifted, shoulder pressing harder into Alex's.

"It's just, it's been long enough now...me being that strong, that wasn't Reign," she continued. "Those powers...they were _mine._ Lena pretty much made me completely human, but I'm not. I guess I'm just finally getting that. Maybe I've missed something, some calling. I could be like Supergirl. And it wouldn't be Reign, it'd be me."

Alex nodded, not really knowing how to respond. "Can I ask...what are you thinking about when we...y'know?" she asked instead.

Sam took another drink, almost emptying the glass. "Sometimes nothing," she told her. "Sometimes it's just physical, I just like feeling like my body isn't mine to control, but then the second I want it, I get it back. Other times, I try to remember her. Or I try to see what she saw, when she attacked people. But I'm always able to stop the attacks before they ever even happen, every time you untie me. In my mind anyway, I'm able to stop her from ever hurting anyone."

She turned her head to look at Alex, her eyes full-on glazed by now.

"Sometimes I don't think about her at all," she sighed with the sort of absentness that indicated her thorough drunkenness. "Sometimes I just like being with someone I trust. I like being with you."

Alex bit the inside of her cheek, heart starting to thunder in her chest.

"What do _you_ think about when we do it?" Sam asked her before she could say anything else.

Alex's lips parted in surprise, not having expected Sam to ask. Immediately, she felt her face growing heated and red, and she looked away to take a big gulp from her glass like that could somehow help. Probably just made her look even redder.

"Mostly? I guess I wonder what you're thinking about," she said vaguely, which wasn't exactly a lie. "Sometimes I think...I don't know. I just wish I could figure out some way to...get into your head. See whatever you're seeing of Reign and just fight her off, I guess. Keep her away from you for good."

Sam bit her lip, eyelids heavy as her gaze fell to Alex's lips. "I wish I could be better for you," Sam murmured.

For a second, it looked like she was going to lean forward, like she was going to abandon all thoughts that she was too broken to have any kind of romantic relationship with Alex and kiss her.

But she sighed tiredly after a moment, eyes closing, and turned her head, resting it against Alex's shoulder instead.

Alex's head swam with protests, that Sam didn't have to be better, that it could work out, that she didn't have to be so afraid of her own vulnerability. That she needed to stop seeing herself as nothing but a burden to Alex.

It was like a fucking echo chamber in her head though, and she couldn't grasp at the right pattern of words, couldn't come up with the right thing to say to magically make this all work out.

Probably for the best anyway. Words weren't going to be enough, and Sam was practically asleep on her shoulder. So Alex just poured herself another glass and looked up at the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, angst. So much angst.
> 
> Alright, one more chapter to go! Sorry this one took a million years to get out.
> 
> ALSO I'M SO SORRY I'M SO SHITTY ABOUT REPLYING TO PEOPLE'S COMMENTS! I read every one of them and I love getting them, I'm just super awkward about replying because I get flustered and don't know what to do with myself and then all of a sudden days and weeks and months have gone by and I haven't said a word back to anyone...anyway, your comments fill me with delight, I'm just an awkward boob who can't function properly. Thanks for leaving them, one of these days I'll figure out how to be a person...

**Author's Note:**

> Just friends tying up friends. Because what else are friends for?


End file.
